


Healing at Hollyhill

by thisaliennerd



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Past Infidelity, Referenced Possible Child Death, Sandra Lynn is a whole mess, There's not much to warn about its just a hard conversation, You should know what she asks Gilear, but like, that's the warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24375418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisaliennerd/pseuds/thisaliennerd
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Gilear and Sandra Lynn’s convo was like while the Bad Kids were having their shrimp party? Well, here’s a little snippet of that heart to heart.
Relationships: Gilear Faeth/Hallariel Seacaster (Mentioned), Sandralynn Faeth/Garthy O'Brien (Mentioned very briefly), Sandralynn Faeth/Gilear Faeth (Mentioned and Implied), Sandralynn Faeth/Gorthalax the Insatiable (Mentioned if you squint), Sandralynn Faeth/Jawbone O'Shaughnessey (Mentioned)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 48





	Healing at Hollyhill

**Author's Note:**

> There’s no romantic stuff here, just ex-spouses being friends, but Sandra Lynn is Sandra Lynn, and I think we all know the proposition she makes, so you know, there’s that.

Honestly, whatever is going on in the house should be supervised, but what adult wants to supervise a bunch of drunk, extremely powerful, loud teenagers, that they technically work for? They’ll be fine. How weird can it get?

Sandra Lynn sighs, leans her head back against the seat of the van, and closes her eyes. “They’re going to remember to pull out mattresses, right?”

Gilear smiles, “Sure.” 

“That’s comforting.”

“They’ve handled it every other time one of them has been possessed. They'll be fine.”

“Mmm…”

Gilear leans forward, studying Sandra Lynn’s face. “So, what’s up with you?”

She opens her eyes, looking down at him. “What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything. We’ve just been talking a lot about me. What’s your deal?”

She sighs again, rubbing her face. “You want to know what my deal is? You want to know my business? Fine.” She leans forward so that her face is inches from Gilear’s, staring deep into his eyes. “Jawbone and I broke up.”

Gilear smiles softly and sits back. “I’m sorry.”

She looks down at her hands. “No, it’s ok. It’s what I deserve. I’m a fuck up.” 

“Well, sure, but look who you’re talking to.”

Sandra Lynn exhales softly in amusement. “You’re not a fuck up.”

“Sandra Lynn, look at me for a second,” Sandra Lynn looks up at Gilear. “I was stuck,” she starts giggling, “under the van,” he smiles too as she continues to giggle, “with an apple in my mouth,” Sandra Lynn is fully laughing now, “for a full day.” She laughs even harder. “And no one even noticed.”

Sandra Lynn’s laughter ebbs and a sadness reappears in her eyes. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that…”

“I see what you’re doing. It’s fine. There was a lot going on. Let’s not shift this back to me.”

Sandra Lynn whispers, “...damn it.” She looks up at him, “We broke up because I cheated on him. Multiple times.” Gilear raises an eyebrow, but Sandra Lynn just holds up a finger. “I don’t want to talk about it. But yeah, it happened, and we broke up. I fucked up another relationship, and yeah. That’s it. That’s all there is to it.”

“Is it?”

“What?”

“Well, in my experience of you,” 

Sandra Lynn shakes her head a little, smiling wryly, “Mmhm…” 

Gilear continues, “When you feel like you have fucked up and made a mistake, you tend to double down on it.”

Sandra Lynn barks out a laugh, “You know what, no! I don’t think that’s true, actually.”

“No?”

“No, I think when I’m faced with the actual consequences of my actions, I back down and try to get my shit together.” 

“Really? Because I remember an incident where you were begging me to stay when you really should have been talking to Fig.”

Sandra Lynn slaps a hand over her heart. “Ow, Gil, Jesus!”

“I’m sorry, that felt mean.”

“No, you’re right, that did happen, but then you yelled at me, and I got it together and took responsibility. Look, what I’m saying is what causes me to get drunk and go fuck someone I shouldn’t is usually a feeling of having too much responsibility that I can’t handle, feelings of guilt, or feelings of being unworthy, so then I do fuck up, and that amplifies and confirms those fears, and that creates a vicious cycle of feeling terrible about myself and continuously messing up. However, when I’m confronted by the people that I’ve hurt and betrayed, it makes me want to change and be better, so I try and I build back up, but then I end up in that position of having responsibility and shit, and I crash back down again. So it’s a cycle, and me being better actually just restarts that cycle.”

“Maybe that’s because you aren’t dealing with the root of the problem.”

“God, don’t get all cryptic on me. Just say what you’re going to say so we can move on.”

Gilear smiles a little and nods, “Maybe, the problem is that your “attempt to be better” is fueled by self-loathing instead of a genuine desire to change.” 

“What the fuck? Who are you?”

“Someone who up until very recently exclusively made decisions fueled by self-loathing.”

“How could I not hate myself, though? I have fucked up every good thing in my life because I have no self-control and don’t know how to deal with responsibility. It’s never anyone’s fault but my own. For you, it was my guilt over you leaving Fallinel for me, over not wanting kids, and feeling unworthy of your love. For Jawbone, it was the realization that I was failing Fig, the knowledge that four kids are now relying on me for a home, looking to me as a parental figure, and then coming along on this mission, it brought back so many memories of adventuring, needing to be a role model, and then just a deep, deep fear that Fig might be following down the same path as me. You know, with the drinking and drugs and making out with old men. I just feel so out of control as a parent, as a human. And that makes me do stupid things. I have every reason to hate myself.” 

“Yeah, sure. I’m an adult man who almost exclusively eats yogurt. On the surface, there’s no reason that we can’t loathe ourselves and live sad lives. Except that’s not true. There is one reason why we can’t do that.” Sandra Lynn looks curiously up at him, and Gilear simply says, “Fig.”

Sandra Lynn looks curious but doesn’t speak.

Gilear continues, “The only thing that is preventing me from just succumbing to my pathetic life is the knowledge that Fig would try to pull me out of it if I did. She has put her time and energy into trying to make my life better, and it shouldn’t be that way. We should be doing that for her, but instead, she’s trying to do that for us. It would be cruel to her for us to force her to work harder to keep us afloat. I think if there’s anything we can do for her, it’s to try our hardest to be the best we can.”

“Holy shit…”

“She didn’t have to take us back into her life. She had every motive to continue to reject and hate us, but she chose to love is, and that is a magic in and of itself. I’m just a guy. There is nothing inherently special or magical about me. But Fig choosing to love me makes me special, and I’d be a fool and a coward not to try my hardest to make that choice worthwhile for her.”

“Damn...yeah. 

“We owe her. She’s not going to give up on us, so it’s irresponsible of us to give up on ourselves.”

Sandra Lynn tears up, “She’s so good. Such a good person. We don’t deserve her.”

“Of course we don’t. But she’s chosen us.”

Sandra Lynn looks at Gilear, wipes her eyes, and softly says, “I love you.”

Gilear sighs, “I love you too.”

There’s a long pause. It’s not uncomfortable, it’s peaceful. And then Sandra Lynn looks up at her ex-husband, a mix of sadness, longing, regret, love, and amusement fill her eyes, and she says, “Wanna fuck?”

Gilear bursts into laughter, Sandra Lynn smiles and chuckles lightly, the look on her face now a mixture of genuine earnestness and dry comedy. 

Gilear gently shakes his head, "No." 

Sandra Lynn smiles sadly, the knowledge that what they once had is gone settles in both of their minds, and she says, "Didn't think so, just thought I'd ask."

There's a moment of comfortable silence, and then Sandra Lynn looks back at Gilear with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, and says "Are you sure?" She gestures up and down her body, "I mean, you're turning down this?" 

Gilear smiles awkwardly and a little sadly, "I don't want to rub salt in the wound…" 

Sandra Lynn sticks her tongue in her cheek, smiling in that slightly bitter, sarcastic way, “Uh, huh…”

“But, I...have a girlfriend.”

Sandra Lynn lets out a heavy exhale, “Yeah...damn.” She shakes her head, laughing a little.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. You do have a girlfriend.”

“I know you don’t particularly like her.”

“No, Hallariel is…” She pauses, searching for words. Gilear snorts and they both start laughing. 

Gilear shakes his head, “I understand that she can be...difficult.” Sandra Lynn raises an eyebrow. “And I know that it looks bad that she didn’t notice I was missing, but in her defense, no one did.” 

“I don’t know, Gil. You live in her garage.” 

Gilear laughs a little, “I know, but it was more that my apartment was dangerous to live in, but it was really too early to move in together, so she offered to let me live in her garage, and I said yes. I know you tend to move in with your partners immediately,” Sandra Lynn rolls her eyes and laughs a little, “But most people wait a while.”

Sandra Lynn sighs, “I mean, sure. All I’m trying to say is I feel like every time I’ve seen you two interact, I just get so sad for you.”

“Yeah, I...listen, Hallariel Seacaster is one of the most deeply selfish people I have ever met."

“Reeaalllyy selling it there, Gil.”

He sighs, smiling, “I wasn’t done. Hallariel is an extremely selfish person, but she hates herself for it. She feels like her fear over living for centuries made her push people away. And because of that, she feels like she’s been a bad partner and a failure of a mother,” Gilear looks over at Sandra Lynn, “Stop me when this sounds familiar.”

Sandra Lynn gasps, “Oh my god!”

Gilear smiles, “You and Hallariel are similar in more ways than either of you would like to admit.”

Sandra Lynn shakes her head. 

“That being said, you are also very different people. You are not a bad mother. You’re a flawed person with a traumatic past, but you’ve done your best. That isn’t the case for Hallariel. I don’t want to...reveal anything that I shouldn’t, but unlike you, she didn’t try to be a good mother. Her fear over losing another child,” Sandra Lynn raises an eyebrow and winces and sighs, “Whelp, ol’ Gilear already fucked that one up, but yes, losing another child, and the knowledge that she would outlive her husband, caused her to shut herself off entirely. She very deeply regrets that choice. She claims that the thing that she found, I don’t want to say attractive because I don’t think that anything about me can be called attractive,” 

Sandra Lynn laughs, but looks a little sad, and says, “I find you attractive!”

“No, it’s fine, I don’t need your pity.”

“It’s not pity! I do find you attractive.”

Gilear sighs deeply, “Sandra Lynn…”

“I’m sorry, did you miss the offer I just made you?”

“Yeah, but that kinda felt like a “I just broke up with my boyfriend and need a distraction and you are literally the only other adult here” kind of situation.”

Sandra Lynn snorts, “I mean...sure. But I do find you attractive, and it was a genuine offer.”

“Fine, well, regardless, she says that what drew her to me was Fig. Or more specifically, my love for Fig. I am willing to put my well being and often my life in harm’s way for Fig, and she fundamentally can’t understand how to do that, but she wants to. Now, I don’t necessarily agree with that, I don’t think I’ve been much of a father for years, but she believes that I am a good parent and she admires that about me, I suppose.”

“You are a good dad, Gil. You’ve always been a good dad. And you always will be. It’s something I’ve always loved about you.” Sandra Lynn sighs, closing her eyes, “Look, I know we’re trying not to shit on ourselves today, but the longer we’ve been on this trip, the more I’ve realized that the only thing keeping Fig from being me is you. You know what I mean? Because that kid has picked up, frankly, far more of my coping mechanisms than I’d like. But the one thing that is keeping her from becoming me, is her undying loyalty to the people she loves, and she didn’t get that from me. She got it from you. Fig cares so deeply and loves so fully that it prevents her from falling to that cycle of betrayal and infidelity. You taught her that by loving her in that way, and I cannot thank you enough for that. So if that’s the reason that Hallarial loves you, I’d say it’s earned.”

Gilear smiles softly, “Well, thank you.”

“It’s true.”

“I stand by what I said, as well. You’re not a bad mother. You’ve taught Fig so many things that I couldn’t, you can relate to her. You know what she’s going through. And you are able to physically protect her in a way that I can’t.”

“Yeah, you gotta be good at something, I guess.”

“You’re good at a lot of things.”

“I’d rather be good at being a person." 

"And I'd rather not die every other day. We both have things to work on. But we have a motive, so let's do it for Fig."

"Yeah. For Fig."

And Sandra Lynn and Gilear sit together in the van, Sandra Lynn puts her hand on Gilear’s knee, and there they stay, chatting in a calm, healing way until sunrise.


End file.
